Hearing Damage
by 12th mimic
Summary: The Cullen's side of New Moon as seen through Carlisle in present time and Edwards diary eyes. We see Edward's attempt at tracking Victoria. I do not own anything Twilight
1. Carlisle gets news

**I do not own Twilight. Thanks to my Beta Kyra Renee for her help and guidance.**

**CPOV**

Running back from my hunt with Eleazar, we heard an ear-splitting scream "NO!" coming from the Denali's house one mile out and our discussion over how best to handle Edward and his stubbornness regarding Bella ended abruptly as a result and we sprinted to the house.

I was immediately met with a sobbing Esme "Alice had a vision of Bella. She jumped, Carlisle. She jumped."

I sought Alice out, who was frantically packing a suitcase. "I have to go to Charlie. I have to see if there's anything I can do to help," she said to me. "God dammit, Edward! Why couldn't you listen? Stupid ass," she muttered to herself. Alice turned to me and went on "I saw her jump off a cliff into the Ocean, but I didn't see her come back up. Why did we leave? Why did we listen to him? What is this going to do to him? He's already a wreck. Oh God, Bella," she cried. I've never seen Alice so distraught and upset over anything. In the background we could hear Rosalie speaking with Irina. "I don't understand what the big deal is. She's human and we're not. The problem is now solved and we can go back and be normal again. No more hiding out. She was nice and all, but…"

I had to physically restrain Alice from flying out to Rosalie. I said in as commanding a voice I could without betraying my own anger and worry: "Show some respect, Rose. She was Edward's mate and Alice's best friend." I looked Alice in the eyes and saw all her hurt and sadness these last few months have caused. I could the depths of her grief over losing Bella and the obvious truth that she won't soon recover.

"Carlisle, Jasper won't forgive himself for this. What if Edward never recovers?" I held her tightly and tried to comfort her, but she was inconsolable.

"Go. I'll tell the others that no one is to tell Edward of this news – at least until after the funeral. We don't want him going to Forks and lighting himself on fire. Esme and I will go to him in Rio to tell him. We'll bring him to Isle Esme so that he can grieve in privacy. Call us when you get there. Here, take my car – the gas tank is full," I said to her as I handed her the keys.

In a flash, she was gone. I found Esme hugging herself. As I got closer to her, I could see she was holding a framed picture of Edward and Bella. She turned to look at me before speaking: "We failed them both, Carlisle. We should've made him see reason. He'll be lost to us forever, won't he?"

I could only hold my wife as I had no words of comfort for her. We held each other for a long time before Esme spoke again: "We need to go to Edward now. We can't wait. What if he calls one of us and hears our thoughts? Let's go."

"Yes, we need to leave soon. But I need to tell everyone what's happened. I hear Emmett and Jasper back from their hunt. Let's go tell them." I said as I took Esme's hand and walked to the Denali's living room.

I called all of their names and those of our hosts and beckoned them to the living room. "Jasper, Emmett I have news, though I'm sure Alice called you," I said while looking at Jasper.

"Yes, she did. Carlisle, I can't express how sorry –," Jasper began but I cut him off.

"Jasper, it's no one's fault. It is what it is, and nothing more. I don't want anyone blaming you or anyone else for that matter for the events that have taken place. Now, Esme and I are going to fly to Rio and tell Edward ourselves. I don't want any of you to call him and tell him by phone. Is that clear?" I was met with nods from almost everyone. I stared Rosalie down, wiping off the look of hesitation from her face, daring her to defy me. I was not in the mood to give them a dressing down, but I would. I could only hope Jasper and Rosalie would stop arguing for now.

"Carlisle? I overheard you speaking with Alice earlier, about how you and Esme would go to him and I took the liberty of booking your flights," Tanya said, sounding on the brink of tears. While I don't have my son's ability to read minds, I can plainly see Tanya's worry and concern for him. "Unfortunately, the earliest flight I could get is the last flight out from Seattle tonight and there are numerous connections. You can take my car if you need to as there are no available flights from Anchorage to Seattle."

As everything was settled, all we could do was be on our way and hope Edward would come out of this someday.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

On our way to Seattle, few words were spoken between Esme and me. What could we say? We wished things were different, but they were not. Hours passed in silence with nothing but my fervent hope that we can somehow help Edward recover from his loss. Hours for me to worry if Alice will forgive him or herself for Bella's demise. Hours for me to worry about Rosalie: would she and Alice be able to salvage their relationship? On and on my mind worked on itself.

We were just turning into the Airport parking lot when I received Alice's call. "I'm here. I am on the road leading to Bella's waiting for Charlie to come home. I'm not sure what's going on Carlisle. I keep seeing all kinds of different futures. I keep seeing Edward climb into Bella's window and beg her for forgiveness. I guess it means he doesn't know yet, huh. It is confusing because I can't shake it. Wait a minute… Holy Crowe!"

"Alice, what is going on? Alice? ALICE!" I shouted into the phone in an effort to get her attention again.

"Carlisle! It's her! She's alive! I don't understand this, but Bella is alive. She's walking towards the car. I'll call you back. Bye"

I looked at Esme utterly confused. "Well, it appears Alice isn't infallible after all. What do you want to do?"

Esme beamed a smile: "Bella's alive?" I nod. "Oh thank God! Let's go home to Forks. I want to see her and give her a big hug. Maybe give her a talking to for scaring us."

"Es, I don't think that's a good idea. I agree with you about not going back to Denali, but I think it's best if we go home to Ithaca and form a plan to get Edward back. I think the idea of having Alice, Emmett and I talk to him is still the best."

Esme looked crestfallen "I just miss them both so much."

We changed our flight plans and made our way home to Ithaca, New York. We both felt the need for calm after this exhausting day.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We finally arrived in Ithaca and were in our home. Esme and I really wanted to speak with Edward, but we also agreed he'd likely hear our thoughts of what has transpired these last twenty-four hours and thought better of it. Both of us needed to calm down from the emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks of watching Edward lose his grip with reality. We hadn't really spoken in weeks; whenever we'd call he would answer and hang up without breathing a word.

It was late afternoon when my phone rang.

"Hi, Jasper."

"Carlisle, I need you to sit down now," Jasper said in a tone that was far too calm, even for him.

"What's going on, Jasper?"

"Alice told me you are aware that Bella is alive. She decided to spend the night with Bella and catch up with how Bella's been doing. Well, thing is, Alice didn't call me to tell me Bella was fine until early this morning. Um, and I guess I should have let the others know immediately…"

I suddenly realized what he was telling me.

"Who told Edward? Who told him she jumped off a cliff? Who defied my order?" I roared in to the receiver.

"Carlisle, Edward called Rosalie, and…"

"That woman knows no bounds!" I yelled. I took a deep breath in an effort to calm myself. "Esme and I will go to Rio and bring him back by force if we have to."

"That's not the whole story, Carlisle." I could hear the hesitation in his voice and I was quickly losing my patience.

"Out with it!" I demanded as I felt I knew what he was about to tell me.

"Edward is on his way to Italy. He is seeking an Audience with the Volturi. Emmett and Rosalie were to follow and try to stop him, but after speaking with Alice we all realize there is only one person who can stop him. Only one person he can't hear. He'd hear us a mile away and do something stupid, but he can't hear…"

"Bella." I cut him off. "Jasper, they'll kill her, and then they'll kill him."

"Alice doesn't know that for sure. We're all counting on her visions right now; they're all we've got. She told me to prepare you for the worst. It's not fifty-fifty here. There is a very good chance none of them make it out of there." I heard his worry and desperation. His mate was at risk too.

After a pregnant pause I found my voice: "Everyone flies back to Forks immediately. We'll have to do a massive cleanup if this goes south and Bella deserves a memorial by her loved ones if this is unsuccessful."

"Ok. I'll take care of it. Carlisle, I…"

"I know. I know. Hopefully we won't have to know if we can live without them."

We said our goodbyes and I just stood there for a long time thinking about Edward. My mind froze with fear so deep it was painful and paralyzing. I wasn't even aware that Esme was shouting at me and pulling at my arms to gain my attention.

I looked into my wife's eyes and without a word she knew. We collapsed in each other's arms and tearlessly wept. I had to accept the possibility of never seeing my first son again. I had all kinds of scenarios in my mind. I briefly wondered if Aro would accept a phone call from me. Would he listen to my pleas? Would he overlook our exposure to a human and grant me a favor? No. I knew he wouldn't and he'd likely seek us to met out our punishment for this crime.

Esme stood and pulled me to her. As she caressed my face she whispered "Let's go."

XXXXXXXX

Time is standing still. What's left of my family is here is Forks, Washington, waiting for news. We are all obsessively looking at our phones, willing them to ring. Jasper has had to leave the house as our anxieties were crippling him.

I found myself pacing and remembering Edward and I felt much like a Parent remembering their child's infancy. I remembered his first feed. I had brought him a horse a Chicago Police officer had left unattended. I laughed to myself as I recalled his face once the horse was drained asking me for another. How I loved, love, this boy. We became a family, single Parent mind you, but still a family. I could only hope and pray Bella would find him before he got to Volterra. I was so proud of her for having this courage. She's so brave, and I can't shake my profound guilt and sadness at not being able to protect her.

The doorbell ringing brought me out of my musings. I decided to answer, as we decided the cover story would be that Alice and Edward had wanted to come back and visit Bella for Spring Break.

"Delivery for Carlisle Cullen. Sign here, please."

I signed for the package, confused as to what it might be and from whom. I looked down and saw the writing. The package is from Edward. He sent it overnight from the airport in Rio.

I froze, suddenly terrified of what I might find within the box.

I walked into the living room where everyone had gathered and I opened the package. I found an envelope and a diary wrapped in a blue tank top. I recognized it as Bella's, and the diary was Edward's. I opened the envelope and began to read the letter aloud.

_Carlisle,_

_I've no doubt you are reading this to everyone. I always appreciated your openness with us all, especially in difficult moments._

_I want to apologize for all the worry and concern I've brought on the family in recent months. I've enclosed my Diary for you to read, alone or to all, in the hopes that it may help you understand why it is I am seeking to end my existence._

_I want to thank you for giving me a family, and for your guidance. If I have any chance at heaven it is because of your leadership._

_Please tell Esme that I do think of her as my Mother. I know she hasn't always felt like I do. You'll find the composition of the many songs I've written for her in the safe located in my closet in my bedroom. Please have Rosalie play them for her from time to time._

_Please do not be cross with Rosalie. I called her looking for her to strengthen my resolve at keeping away from my Bella. She could not lie to me on the subject. I am grateful she did not attempt to deceive me._

_Please tell Jasper he is not at fault either. I failed Bella, and you, by coveting what should never have been mine. Jasper merely reminded of the reality of who and what I am. I've always enjoyed our camaraderie and our ability to understand each other without words. Thank him for trying to help me come out of this._

_Tell Emmett that without him, I would have never known what having a brother was like. I love him for being able to make me laugh when little else could._

_Please apologize to Alice for me. I'm so sorry for taking Bella away from her. I'm glad that she found it within herself to forgive me over the last few months. She has always been my kindred spirit, and I know she understands why I feel I can't go on without my other, better, half._

_My flight is boarding and I still need to send this off. Lastly, please give bury Bella with her tank top. I took it from her room before my exile and it has kept me company these last months. If you can, please convey my sincere condolences to Chief Swan. Please have Jenks set up a fund for him. Disguise it as his retirement fund if you will. He shouldn't have to worry about money ever again._

_I must go now. Thank you and I'm sorry._

_Edward_

**A.N. I know of several good versions of New Moon from EPOV. I'll post some recs in the author notes but I have not read many as I didn't want to be influenced. No posting schedule yet, but will try to keep it regular. Thanks for reading and please leave me a review.**


	2. First Entry

**Thanks to my Beta, Kyra Renee, for fixing this while moving. I am very grateful.**

**I don't own Twilight, but I do own my laptop.**

**Without further ado: Edward's Diary:**

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September 18th:

The deed is done; I can't believe I did it! I don't understand Her reaction. How could She believe me so quickly like that? (I can't even think Her name, much less write it!)Didn't I tell Her a few days ago that I was about to go the Volturi and ask them to kill me if She didn't survive James? Was I not clear when I told Her she was my reason for living? And yet, this afternoon all I had to do was tell Her she wasn't good for me (I feel sick remembering this), and She let me go! She believed me.

It's over. No more Her. No more Us. For the best really – for Her, I mean. I've lost my world; She can go on living and have a normal life after all. That has to be enough for me to get through this

On Her birthday, as She opened a card, She cut Herself and Her blood spilled onto the floor. Just one tiny drop. That wa all it took to send Jasper over the edge and into frenzy; it took Carlisle, Emmett and I to hold him off of Her. I had stupidly begun to believe that She and I could have a life together, and that my family was able to overcome Her delicious scent once and for all. I naively believed that I could have everything I had ever wanted. I was starting to believe that this happiness was recompense for missing out for ninety years. How wrong was I? I had just promised Her that I would always protect Her, that She need not worry about Victoria, and I propelled Her into another brush with death.

My heartbreak was complete when She seemed to guess what was going on with me. The argument on the drive home about how She should be with someone like the generic Mike Newton, where a paper cut wouldn't turn into a battle royale. She was so angry and annoyed at what She perceives to be my implication that She was somehow incapable of making decisions for Herself, how I gave the impression that I thought it was all up to me, was staggering. She hates when I make assumptions on Her behalf. But on this one, I'm right. She's better off without having me putting Her life in danger all the time.

Upon my return, Alice and Rosalie were arguing. Of course, Alice had seen my decision, or rather indecision at that point, and informed my family. There appears to have been a rather raucous exchange between the two. Alice was trying to make peace with everyone, smooth the situation and downplay the seriousness of what happened.

Alice and She have become quite close; they are indeed each other's confidantes. Alice had never experienced close friendship like this and she was devastated just thinking about losing Her in any way. On the other hand, Rosalie never liked Her, never so much as gave Her a chance and was advocating that we leave immediately. She never agreed with our relationship; always felt it was wrong to have our worlds collide as they have.

As I approached the house, I could hear Alice answering Esme's questions about my future, about our family's future: "It's not solid, but it's quite possible. I see Edward leaving Her behind and leaving us to hunt Victoria, but mostly to be alone. Oh… I'm sorry, Esme. I see Her –"

"Shut up about that Human, Alice! Enough! He should leave, now, before anything else goes wrong," I hear Rosalie shout at Alice. "It's bad enough he's put us all in danger of discovery time and time again this last year. This little experiment of his is an Epic Failure and tonight should make that obvious to everyone!"

I only had time to register the words when I heard Alice growl and things were crashing about inside the house. I ran to the living room where they all were, and could see that Carlisle and Jasper were pulling Alice off of Rosalie, and that Emmett and Esme were keeping Rosalie back. I also caught a glimpse of the devastation around the room; the droplet of Her blood that had been there on the carpet was removed with skilled hands and sharp scissors, but the spot was now covered in shards of shattered crystal. The coffee table was smashed as if someone was either thrown into it, or someone smashed it over another's head. Our priceless artwork was strewn across the floor, and hung askew on the walls. The overall tone in the room was hurt and fear.

Alice saw me and straightened up, looked into Jasper's eyes and the room's tone changed to a peaceful calm. Only his ability to manipulate mood could have calmed this situation. Suddenly, Alice was apologizing. "I'm sorry for my reaction. Rosalie, this little experiment of Edward's brought me my very best friend and a love I've never known before. I can't advocate walking away from that. I can't advocate leaving Her without protection from the others of our kind. More than that, I don't want to learn to live without my friend! She's brought out my long buried Human side, even if I don't remember what that was like. I like feeling normal and Human, and I love Her unconditional acceptance of us and Her grace and understanding when things like what happened tonight happen. I don't want to lose Her!" If she could cry, I swear she would have been. I felt like crying too.

What could I say? I just turned and walked out and kept walking. I started a slow jog, knowing I'd eventually return to Her room and watch over Her sleeping. I just couldn't shake my heartbreak as I strolled back to Her house. I usually can't run fast enough, but tonight, I wanted to delay it. I didn't want to see Her beautiful face and wonder how it is I have been lucky enough to have Her in my life. That I haven't felt this for anyone in my entire existence, and that She feels the same about me is more than I can bear at the moment. I only hope that seeing her, I can find the resolve necessary to do what's right. To do what I've always known I should do.

As I gazed upon Her angelic face, I took note of how the objects in Her room affect the scent. The musty books on the floor by Her bed mix with Her luscious scent make me sad with the thought of never again smelling this aroma. I felt like I was dying inside. But I know what I must do. I have to look Her in the eye and lie; I have to tell Her I don't love Her.

I watch Her toss and turn, and mumble in Her sleep. I watch how even in the moonlight, the deep shade of blue of Her tank top complements Her skin and renders Her breathtaking. I know this image will play over and over again in my mind like a melody. I found myself kneeling by Her bedside inhaling Her scent, letting my throat burn with thirst and letting my soul, for lack of a better word, become engulfed in the flames that I surely deserve. I earned this pain. This is penance for my arrogance at believing I was anything but damned.

As the moon sets and the sun arose once more, She awoke and could not conceal Her surprise when She saw I was still in Her room. I was so torn between holding Her and doing the right thing: pushing Her away. For the past few days I behaved in such an aloof manner that I hope it prepared Her for our goodbye. And yet…

How can I walk away from this love? How can I leave the one person who sees beyond the Vampire and sees Edward, the Man? The mere thought of never seeing Her again causes physical pain, and a sadness so strong it feels like rage. I want to destroy the world brick by brick and set in on fire so everyone can feel my pain. Why Her? Why me? Why now? WHY?

To delay the inevitable further is the cruellest thing of all. The act feels like pouring battery acid in an open wound for a human. I couldn't stall any longer, I had waited long enough. This was the right thing; She can now go on and live a normal, happy life. One I could never give Her. I could never watch Her walk down the aisle to me as my bride. I could never have been intimate with Her as a man and a woman (much as I have always wanted to). I could never get Her with child, and watch as our love blossoms into a beautiful baby that is equal parts Her and I. No, I could never give Her the life She deserves.

And so, I made up my mind and spent today preparing myself for it. I anticipated every argument She would give me, and every possible retort I would give Her, and all of Her possible responses. As usual She surprised me.

Before I made my way to Her house, I said my peace to my family. They were owed that much.

The real surprise in all of this was how Alice reacted to my decision. I've never been on the receiving end of her fury, but I was last night and most of today before I left to be by myself.

Alice was waiting for me on the front porch... Oh boy, here we go. I had all but forgotten how upset she was with my decision until this moment. Well, best get it over with, I thought.

"Edward, please!"

"Alice, it's the only right way left for Her", I tell her. Please, don't let her shake my resolve, it is my plea to a God that has forsaken me.

"How can you do this to HER?"

"Alice, please", I implore her not to discuss this with me. For all that she sees can she not see what this is doing to me?

"Edward, I wish I could show you what this will do to Her. Even the way you've been behaving these past few days have made an effect. See what I see."

Alice tried to show me Her state in reaction to my behaviour, but this would shake my resolve, and so I growled at her. "Enough! Alice, do you not care what this might do to me?"

"Honestly, Edward, I think my showing this to you is the only way to stop you. Please, look", she begged.

And so I saw. I saw a woman I did not recognize; sallow and thin, and lifeless. Too much. I turned to walk away from Alice, and that's when she pounced.

"EDWARD!" She screamed. She was trying to wrestle me to the ground, but I managed to shake her off. She lunged at me once more, shouting: "I can't believe you're doing this to us all! Forget about me. Forget about Her, and you. Think of what this will do to Jasper! He will never forgive himself for this. He already feels awful for what happened, and this will only make him more so."

"Alice," I said as I tried to remain calm. "Jasper's feelings are not a concern of mine. This must be done. She needs to be set free without any further interference from us and our kind. Don't you get that? Don't you see the rightness of that? This is the hardest thing I will ever do, please let me be." I was practically whispering the last sentence. My energy was completely tapped out. I noticed the others had joined us on the lawn, watching the scene warily.

"Go then! Leave. I don't want to be around you right now. Much as I love you, I can't stand by and watch you destroy yourself. Nor will I hold your hand while you smash Her heart to pieces." Alice declared. She covered her eyes as she turned from me and went back into the house. I didn't expect this. Alice and I have always been quite close and have always understood each other. Never have we even so much as bickered, and now she was walking away from me.

Jasper came forward, arms out as a sign of peace and surrender. He took a deep breath and said: "She'll calm down, and she'll be okay. It may take a few years, but… Listen, I'll help you find Victoria, if you like. We owe Her that much. We should make sure She's safe from Victoria and whomever else comes this way. I can contact my friends Peter and Charlotte to help you, if that's what you want to do. Being nomads, they know plenty of trackers who can help," he finished. He walked slowly into the house, to comfort Alice I suppose. I wasn't concerned with their thoughts just now.

Rosalie came forward and wrapped her arms around me in comfort. "Go. You're doing the right thing and you know it. I'm sorry you're hurting, really I am. We'll all be on our way to Denali for a short visit in the next few hours. Join us if you like." she said. I am not used to Rosalie being overtly kind to me. I took comfort in her words, and they gave me strength to do what I must. I noticed Emmett was avoiding my eyes, but I could hear his sadness. He would respect my decision, but he felt much like Alice.

Esme hung her head and followed the others back into the house, as Carlisle came to me and said: "Take your time coming back to us, just make sure you do come back, ok?" I could feel the worry and chagrin in his tone. He's let me go before, and he feels sure I'll come back in time. I hope he's right, though just now I'm not sure.

They're all gone now. They've left me once more with my own thoughts. I looked at our house one last time, knowing I would never return here. I couldn't possibly come back to Forks, the biggest reminder of them all. No. I tell the house goodbye, and turn to leave to do the unthinkable.

And so…

I began with asking Her to come for a walk with me. She knew something was very wrong, I could see it in Her face, and in the tension of Her body. I almost lost my nerve. I had the impulse to hold Her in my arms and kiss Her face, caress Her body and tell Her I'm sorry for even thinking of leaving. The impulse was quite strong and I faltered momentarily.

I don't know how to do this. How? I tell Her: "We're leaving Forks", bluntly.

"Why?" She asks.

"Carlisle is supposed to be older than he looks. People are noticing the discrepancy", I tell Her. God, if you care for Her, make this painless for Her, I find myself praying.

"Okay. I have to think of something, for Charlie and Renée…" She sai but then looked at me, at my face, and stopped cold. "When you say we…" She began and trailed off. She's much too intuitive. I'm not ready for this!

"I mean my family and myself." At this point, I heard a loud crack in the universe. She looked like I punched Her in the gut with all my might. Alice was right: this was going to hurt more than I ever imagined.

"What happened with Jasper, that was nothing…," She began. I cut her off as I remembered Rosalie's words of encouragement.

"It was nothing. Nothing more than what should have been expected. I'm sorry I let my experiment go on for so long," I said. I can't believe the words coming out of my mouth! What I wanted to say was how can I possibly expect Her to stay with me after everything I've put Her through? I pressed on.

"If this is about my soul – take it! It's yours already!" She fights back. She looked like the furious kitten I fell in love with. That wrenched me completely. I felt like I was on fire, being burned in the depths of hell.

"This is not about your soul. You're just not good for me." If I was not damned before, I am now. How can I be saying this?

"I'm not good enough for you", She whispered the words, like She couldn't catch Her breath. How could She possibly believe these lies I'm telling Her?

What I want to say is: "I can't stand this. I can't stand by as my world keeps making me choose whether to let you die or become a Vampire. I want to do what's right, here; what's in your best interest. I can't see how that is possible when I'm so dangerous to you. I need you more than I can ever say, and to express how much I want you is impossible. You are my North Star. Before you, I had no direction, no wants or needs. Now I want so much, and I want them with you. I want to take you in my arms and run away from reality, find a place where we can be together for all of time. I'm not worthy of you and if I live forever I don't see how I could ever be the Man you deserve. You are everything I never realized I always loved and wanted."

What I actually said was: "I don't want you to come." I watched as Her face echoed my feelings. Another hammer blow of pain ad just hit Her.

"You… Don't… Want…Me." She gasped. Calm came over Her face as She said: "Well, that changes things." What?!

"I've let this go on long enough." I said to Her, as I see I have Her believing me. "Can you promise me something?" I ask.

She looked at me in utter disbelief. I don't need to read Her mind to know She was wondering how dare I ask anything more of Her.

"Don't do anything reckless."I said. "For Charlie's sake", I add. I heard my voice falter in a couple spots. "And I'll promise something to you in return. This is the last time you will ever see me. We won't interfere in your life again, I swear. It will be just like I never existed, I promise."

"We?" She asked. Of all the details… I understood what She meant.

"Alice is already gone. She wanted to say goodbye, but I thought it best if I did this alone. Give you a clean break from us. Don't worry. Time heals all wounds." I felt sick and hollow.

She looked like someone drowning. As though She was looking for something to grasp before She goes under. I wanted to hold Her so much I actually felt my arms rise to comfort Her. I had to get out of there before I fell to my knees and begged forgiveness.

"Goodbye, Bella" that's the last time I will write Her name or even think it.

I left Her in the woods behind Her house, but I thought She might want to be alone awhile and wouldn't want Charlie worrying about Her. I went back to Her house and wrote a forged note telling him She was out for a walk up the path. While I was there, falling to pieces, I hid all of my reminders: the CD of my compositions, the photographs of Her and I, the plane tickets Carlisle and Esme gave her as a gift, under Her bedroom floorboards. It was childish and immature, especially now that I've promised Her peace, but I want something of myself with Her. In the same moment, I found Her laundry hamper and took the same deep blue tank top She wore to bed on the night of her eighteenth birthday. I inhaled deeply and left Her house forever.

And so now, I'm on the run. Whether I'm running towards or away from something remains to be seen.

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**Thanks for reading! Please leave a review.**


	3. Road trip

**Sorry for slight delay posting; I've been sicker than a dog as have my little ones.**

**Thanks to Kyra Renee for her Beta skills. She worked her magic as a comma slayer while in the throes of midterms. **

**I do not own anything related to Twilight.**

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September 20th:

After running for two days, I stayed in a hotel room in Northern California to hide from the sun, but staying still was only creating chaos within and nothing was helping. I decided to call Jasper and discuss how I could best track Victoria. He has some experience in this area from his time fighting in the Southern Vampire Wars. Hopefully, this will distract me somewhat. At least if I'm busy I can't be thinking about what has happened.

"Jasper, you're right. I need help with tracking. You said Peter and Charlotte might help."

"Sure. I'll call them and ask them to meet you, and they can help you get started. Where are you?" Jasper asked.

I told Jasper I was in California, trying not to turn around. "Did you take your Volvo? Or the Aston Martin?" he asked.

That's when I realized, stupidly, that I left my cars behind me. I tell Jasper that I ran, and he guffawed in surprise. He remembered all my lectures on how I could never leave my baby, the Aston Martin, and all the hassle it was to bring it to Forks. He told me he'd make some calls and get back to me. He asked if I had my phone with me. Again, that's when I remembered leaving it behind as well. I don't have a change of clothes, either. Amazing that I even have my wallet! So, I was to sit tight while Jasper contacted members of his former coven to see if they'd be willing to help me.

As I waited, I shoveed my hands in my pockets, and felt the folded fabric that is Hers. Memories flood back and assault my senses. In my right hand, I could feel Her softness. In my mind's eye, I could see how She looked sleeping peacefully every night of our time together. I can smell Her sweet, delicious scent, and taste Her lips and skin. I can even hear Her soft laughter in my mind. I know this will only bring on the pain strongly, but I can't help myself: I bring the tank top to my face and inhale Her scent, and miss Her so completely that I tearlessly sobbed aloud.

The telephone ringing brought me out of my trance abruptly. I shoved the fabric back in my pocket and answered the hotel room's phone. It was Alice.

"Edward, Jasper is on his way to you. He'll bring you to Peter and Charlotte. They are in Chicago and are expecting the both of you in two days time," she informed me.

"Why?" It is all I can think to say. I'm not sure if I meant why Jasper didn't call me himself, or why we were to meet Peter and Charlotte in Chicago. Alice knew what I was really asking and answered my unspoken question.

"Because I need to speak to you and make us okay again. I absolutely hate this, but it's done. Much as I disagree with you, it's your decision. I'll respect your wishes. I won't interfere. I promise."

"Thank you, Alice. You were right; it hurts more than anything I've endured –including my transformation. You promise you absolutely won't look out for Her future?"

"I solemnly swear it, Edward," Alice confirmed. I could hear the effort it took to speak to me so softly and not hurl accusations and recriminations my way. I appreciated it a lot.

"Did you want to speak to Carlisle?" Alice asked. I had to think about that, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to anyone just now. I knew how eager he was to tell me everything would be alright. I didn't need his false hope, no matter how earnest he was in his desire for it to be true.

"No. I want to be alone. Thanks for calling but I don't want to talk to anyone right now," I told her. I rubbed my right hand over my face and could only smell Her.

Later in the evening there was a knock on my door. Jasper was waiting: "Let's roll. I've already checked you out," he informed me.

As we walked out into the parking lot, I noticed Emmett's big Jeep parked. Jasper answered my question as soon as he felt my shift in mood: "Carlisle and the others are leaving Denali, and are going to Ithaca, NY, right now. I'm taking you to Chicago so I can visit with Peter and Charlotte and bring Emmett's Jeep to him. I got you a new phone and took the liberty of programming all of our new numbers. We need to be able to reach you, and you _may _someday wish to call us again. By the way, Alice packed some clothes for you."

"I know it's strange Jazz, but I don't want to change out of these clothes," I tell him. He looked at me sideways, worried about my sanity. I answered his thoughts: "Because they were the last things I held her in," I whispered and looked out the window. The nice thing about Jasper is he doesn't pry.

Hours passed by. We stopped for gas in a small town outside Boulder, Colorado. I let my mind wander as we passed all the small towns and I had a memory of the first car I had after my transformation. Carlisle was feeling guilty for having put me through the hell of the change and so he bought me a 1918 Twin Packard Twin Engines car. I enjoyed that car, but it was so slow (compared to running) it was frustrating. Her truck reminded me of it: the loud roar, the slow speed no matter how hard you'd press on the gas and the low wheeze when you'd pushed it too far.

The memory was still hanging in the air when I saw it. It was the wrong year, and the wrong make, but it was a red pickup truck. I could not stop myself from looking in the cab to see the driver. I knew it wasn't Her, yet I was still filled with disappointment when I saw the older man sitting there. The rise and fall of emotion was breath taking. One second, my hope soared; the very next, I was crushed.

September 25th:

I'm with Peter and Charlotte and we are on the road to tracking while Jasper has gone on to Ithaca, NY, to join the others.

When Jasper and I met up with Peter and Charlotte in Chicago, I really had no idea who they were. I, of course, had met them before but I had always been somewhat aloof. I guess I felt superior to them for my having been able to move beyond my most basic instincts of thirst and stayed within a coven of strong Vampires as I had. Meeting them this time, in my more vulnerable state and in need of help, I found myself apologetic for my arrogance. They were very gracious. This was a testament to their respect and care of Jasper more so than it was of me, and I knew it immediately.

We arrived a few hours after stopping in Boulder, in the dead of night. Peter was waiting for us outside of Chicago's Four Seasons Hotel. He must have been expecting us as he was pacing the drop off area, making several Valets' nervous. When we arrived, Jasper and he embraced and I was reminded that Jasper had a life before us Cullen's and that he perhaps understood my struggle better than he let on.

We went up to their room, and we greeted Charlotte with warmth and kindness. I found the whole scene stifling and begged to be off alone. No one seemed surprised, and Charlotte looked a little relieved. "Are you sure you'll be alright?" Jasper asked me with his thoughts. To not give it away, I simply nodded and left their company.

Chicago. I hadn't been here since I'd changed. The streets were familiar, even if there were many new additions since my time. The Sears tower was new to me, and I felt it gave an air of sophistication that was lacking at the time. I found myself looking for more familiar surroundings. It took longer than I would have thought but I finally found the street I'd lived on. I walked toward my address on McLean Street (though it was named Coblentz when I was a young boy). Strange how memories I couldn't bring forward seemed to spring up just from simply standing there.

I found myself remembering my first day of school when I was boy of five. It was all very fuzzy, but I remembered my mother, Elizabeth Masen, meeting me at the door that I was now staring at. I remembered her warm hug when I came running through the garden and into the kitchen through the back door carrying dandelions with pride for the woman in my life. I remembered the joy in her eyes as she looked upon me. I found myself wondering if she would have liked Her? What would my mother have thought of my decision to leave Her behind in an effort to save Her? Now that I was not in Jasper's presence, pain found me once more and made me a masochist of the highest order. I could not stop myself from indulging in the What if's.

What if She'd been born at the same time I had been. What if we'd been schoolmates then? Would we have been betrothed? Would I have been able to secure Her hand on a soldier's salary? I can see Her long brown hair, with its hint of red, flowing about Her shoulders. I can see Her in a long white dress with a striped pinafore. Would we have had a house like this one, smaller than most but no less beautiful? Would my father have taken me aside and spoken to me of what it is to be with a woman?

What if I were human now? We'd be together now, and planning on where to go to college. We'd be able to walk out in the sun together. I could take Her out to dinner at a nice restaurant and join Her in tasting the food. I could really hold Her and I could give myself to Her freely. We could take pleasure from each other physically, with no fear.

My thoughts turned darker at this point as the more base side of my nature made itself known. What if I'd killed Her on that first meeting? What if I had sucked Her dry and satisfied my insanely strong desire for Her blood? Would I be at peace? Is this really all because I refused to surrender to what I am? Was Rosalie right all along? Am I being punished for playing God again? If I had not interfered with fate when the van came careening toward Her would all of us be better off?

I shook my head at these thoughts, disgusted with myself for even having had them. The answer is simple: no, I would not be better off. I am a better person for having known Her and Her love. I continued my walk and found myself in front of a liquor store. I will never understand why they sell flowers in front of these establishments, but there they were: lilac, freesia, orange blossoms and roses. I bought a bunch of each and made my own bouquet. These four flowers together smell so much like Her and I was intoxicated by them. The scent of Her tank top along with the flowers enabled me to pretend She was with me as I rediscovered my home town. I felt as though I could share this moment with Her. Jasper's right: I am losing my mind.

On the spur of the moment, I decided to walk to the cemetery my parents are buried in. I never had the opportunity to do so before now. The gates were closed, but that didn't stop me. I walked around a little while until I could find them. When my eyes saw the tombstone, I realized it was a family stone. The stone was beautiful black granite, carved exquisitely in what appeared to be gold lettering. The son of an Anglican pastor, it was obvious Carlisle did this for my family as it had a big Christian cross on the side of the stone. The inscription read: "MASEN, Edward Anthony Masen Sr. 1880 – 1918 _beloved Husband and Father_, Elizabeth Claire Masen (Fitzgerald) 1885 – 1918 _beloved Wife and Mother, _Edward Anthony Masen Jr. 1901 – 1918 _beloved Son taken too soon_". I must remember to thank Carlisle; he must have done this while I was undergoing my transformation and has never said a word.

As I stood before the stones I continued pondering. Would I have been better off dead? Would everything be better if I had simply died? All those people I killed would have met a more natural demise; though, they may never have been punished for the vile crimes they'd done. If I had died, as I should have, I never would have known Carlisle's kindness, and I would have missed out on brotherhood with Emmett. I also never would have met Alice, a kindred spirit and very good friend. No, I can't say I regret Carlisle's changing me; my life would have been over too soon. But would She have been better off? The answer is shouting at me: YES! Never would a hunting Vampire have tried to kill Her – and he was almost successful. Another thought was fighting to be heard: She also would have been killed by that van on that cold and icy day. She'd most assuredly be dead by now. So, perhaps I've served my purpose in Her life after all.

I stood there for hours contemplating the way things are and how they could've been if only… I found myself enjoying the coolness in the air – I could smell the changing season. I decided to leave the bouquet behind. For the last time, I was bringing my Mom flowers.

So wrapped up in my thoughts was I, I barely noticed Jasper's approach. He was walking warily and thoughtfully, weighing carefully how he should talk to me about something on his mind and trying to conceal what that was exactly. "Hello, Jasper," I greeted him when he was no more than ten feet away from me.

"Hey. I was speaking with Alice earlier, and she told me where to find you. It's almost dawn, the sun will be coming up soon," he told me. He had his hands in his pockets and he was looking at the ground between us, not meeting my eye. That was very unusual for him.

"What is on your mind, Jazz?"

He looked up at me and stared me in the eye, I noticed my sadness lift. I heaved a deep breath and let him do this. Arguing with him on this would be an exercise in futility.

"As I said, I was speaking with Alice earlier... I asked her to see if she could get us started on the hunt for Victoria. She couldn't see much at first, and then I told her about the drive here and how I had to affect your mood... And, well, I asked her to see if She would forgive you if I brought you back."

I was seething before he had the words out. "Jasper, you stay the hell out of this!"

"Edward. I don't see how this is _right_! You're in agony! You've ripped yourself apart, and for what?! To prove a point? To whom?"

"Jasper, I think I've been clear on this, and I don't have to answer to you," we were growling at each other now.

"So now you're listening to _Rosalie_! Since when is she your moral compass? You barely tolerate each other. You're only civil to each other because of Emmett," he shouted at me. He was shaking his head, taking in deep breaths to calm down. "If only I had been able to control myself, none of this would be happening. It's all my fault and I can't let you continue down this road."

I didn't want to explain myself anymore, explain why She's better off without me. "My agony is the consequence of eating the forbidden fruit. I had no right to seek Her out –"

As I was speaking, Jasper was shaking his head and fighting for control while his whole body shook. He was jumping around, and the action reminded me of a prize fighter entering the boxing ring. He cut me off with a deep breath and snarled: "Alice still sees Her as one of us!"

That was it. I suppose there'll be news reports of vandals roaming the cemetery, because there were many stones overturned, and some were broken as I jumped on Jasper and we tousled around. I shouted in a menacing voice I hardly recognized: "I don't want to hear this! Alice is not always right. Leave me alone!"

We were both breathless when the fight was over. Neither one the victor.

"You are a fool! How dare you claim to love Her and yet leave Her vulnerable like this?" Jasper shouted at me. He continued: "Fine. Don't listen to reason. See if I care! You should know that I will ask Alice to check up on Her every so often to make sure She's safe from our kind," he said to me in aggravated frustration.

The words came out, though I knew they were useless: "Don't you dare!" He was walking away from me, his anger radiating from his body. "Jasper! I promised Her no more interference! I promised it would be like I never existed! Victoria is after ME not HER!"

We came to the gates of the cemetery, and without so much as a glance in my direction, he said to Peter: "He's all yours."

I was shocked as I watched him pull away and drive off without so much as a goodbye. What just happened? I couldn't, and still can't, make sense of it. Was he really saying that because he feels guilty I should go back to Her and destroy Her life?

Peter opened the door of his car to let me in, and we drove off on our quest. Inside the car he let me know what Alice had seen since Jasper and I were so caught up in our argument that he forgot to tell me.

"Victoria has an evasiveness to her that made it difficult for Alice to see much of anything. She said she saw many places and all of them blurred together. Unfortunately, that doesn't help us."

He told me we were headed to Louisiana, more specifically New Orleans. I haven't been there since my bout of rebellion when I was a young Vampire. I wonder if alligators can quench my thirst as well as mountain lions. Emmett would get a kick out of wrestling with them, I thought as I missed him and his ability to laugh off a tense situation.

Peter told me that we were seeing an old ally of Jasper's, one that he himself had met only once before, from the time of the Southern Vampire wars. His name is Lucien, and he has been in the same house since he came to colonize the Americas. I was warned that he is quite the character, but to not let that fool me, he is shrewd and pragmatic.

Peter asked me what I could discern from Victoria, he was convinced I'd read her mind. I was embarrassed to admit I knew very little as I was solely focused on her mate, James. I did, however, reinforce Alice's vision of Victoria's evasiveness. Her instinct is strong enough that she has avoided any attempt to come near us... or Her.

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**I've started reading other alternate New Moon's. I was struck by ****_Pieces _****by Sydney Alice. I implore you to read it as her EPOV experience Bella in visions same as Bella did in New Moon.**

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	4. Introductions

**Thanks to my Beta Kyra Renee for slaying commas and making this pretty.**

**I do not own anything related to Twilight.**

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October 3rd

As we approached the grand estate I took note of my surroundings. We were near an inlet, just outside the French Quarter, away from the bustle of the crowds. I felt relieved; though I was nervous we'd be in a townhouse in the heart of New Orleans. I didn't want to be around people who may remind me of Her in any way.

We turned onto the gated estate, down the long drive lined with beautiful trees, and at the end of the drive was a beautiful fountain surrounded by even more beautiful gardens. The gods were laughing at me: I was surrounded by lilac, freesia, orange blossoms, and roses.

We were met by a female Vampire who looked like she'd been changed in her early twenties. She shook all our hands and introduced herself: "My name is Sabrina, but you may all call me Saaby." She said with a smile. I read her mind quickly to assess our situation, and she seemed honest and kind.

"How do you know Jasper?" I asked her, as she was not remembering him, and I needed to know if he trusted her.

She smiled at me, "I don't know Jasper. Lucien knows Jasper. I've only been a Vampire for 10 years. Lucien changed me after I became a little too curious about the estate and the mysterious legends about the Lord of the manor," she explained with a wry smile. She remembered the encounter just then, and I saw how she was instantly taken by him and did not resist him in the slightest. I could read her love and devotion for him in her thoughts. I should have felt nothing beyond polite pleasure for a couple in love, instead I felt jealous and enraged with envy. I coughed to bring myself in order.

Saaby led us into the main parlour where Lucien greeted us with gregarious energy. "Welcome! Welcome!" He shouted. I took a look around the room, and noted the stained glass window that went from floor to ceiling with several fleurs-de-lis surrounding a young man and his horse. I also noted the many other eccentric pieces that decorated the room, like a red velvet loveseat beside a black leather wing back chair, and a beautiful wrought iron table with a glass table top.

"So, tell me young Edward: are you the one who left a string of unsolved murders in these parts in the late 1920's? They call them the Vampire murders because the skulls were crushed and the victims sucked dry. No one cared for the dead as they were vile individuals," he explained to all in the room.

I could see his memory of the news papers, and the media frenzy around the mystery; while I remembered the choked gurgling from each of my prey as I drank their lives away. I wish he hadn't brought up that time, a time when I was a bona fide monster. I felt my temper rise, and the monster within rejoice.

"Yes. That was during my early years, before I was able to control myself and understand that I didn't have to be so vicious to humans," I answered, hoping he'd understand all that was implied.

"Ah. I'm sorry if I've offended. Jasper did tell me you were... vegetarian? It is hard to reconcile the image I've had of you in my mind all these years: the young and beautiful God to the Man before me now. Pay me no mind," he said as he waved both hands in the room in an apologetic manner. I saw, in his mind, what he imagined I would look like and he wasn't that far off. What I didn't expect was how I look at present with purple bruising under my now sunken black eyes and ashen skin. My hair is very much dishevelled and my clothes look precisely as though I've worn them for weeks – which I have. "Jasper tells me you are looking for one who might want to hurt your Petite Bébé. Who would dare do such a thing?"

I explained the situation once more. Having to explain this just brought back memories I would just as soon forget at the moment. Like how scared I was that I'd lost Her forever. I'd just surrendered myself to Her and She was almost taken from me.

"What can you tell me about this Victoria? What does she look like? Is she in a coven? Who might be helping her?" Lucien asked.

"Well, for one thing, she has flame coloured hair: not red or orange, but both. She's almost as tall as I am and she smells of rosemary and mint. The coven she was in is no longer in existence. The other vampire that was in her company left to visit friends of mine in Alaska. Laurent, that is his name, is still in Alaska so far as I know. So... I would deduce she is alone," I said. As I spoke the words, I could see the concern growing on Lucien face and I felt everyone in the room react to it. His thoughts were alarmed.

"This Victoria is a lone Vampire with a vendetta against you," he said as he shook his head slightly. "Jasper is right: we must seek her out and eliminate the threat not only to you and your Petite Bébé, but also to all you come into contact with. You see, Edward, the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" pales in comparison to what we are faced with. I fear she will stop at nothing until her James is avenged, and then some," he said this with a finality and conviction and I could not doubt the truth in his words.

"Well, now. Let's see how strong your sense of smell is," he continued. "Saaby, come here please. Edward I need to know if we can trust your senses alone to help us. Jasper told me that even his talented Bébé Alice could not get a firm grip on her. Please tell me how you would describe Saaby's scent?" He implored.

As Saaby approached me, I read Lucien's mind further. He feared Victoria's cunning may have already given her an advantage we were not seeing or even understanding. He didn't like that there was another one out there, Laurent to be exact, who might help her out of misguided loyalty. I saw his mind, and it was filled with paranoia and dark suspicion. This test was to see if I could accurately describe a scent – to track it - but it was also to see how focused I was and if I could see clearly, beyond my emotions.

I inhaled Sabrina's scent and let it linger on my tongue before pronouncing: "She smells like cardamom, star anise, and there's a subtle and faint note of vanilla."

Lucien was pleased. "Very good, Edward. Very few people can detect the vanilla scent," he said as he clapped his hands together and beamed a big smile. He approached me and put his big arm around my shoulder and steered me to his study. Peter, Charlotte and Saaby followed close behind. Lucien's mind was already putting together a strategy for us to track Victoria down. He was preparing what he would say to us to convey the seriousness of the situation. I only hoped we could get to Victoria before anything happened to Her, my Petite Bébé as Lucien calls Her. I put my hand in my right pocket once more. My only physical link to Her was this thin fabric, and each time I merely brushed my hand against it or felt its presence in my pocket, I was reminded that my Angel, my Petite Bébé, needed to be kept safe. There is no point to any of this if She is harmed.

Once inside his study, Lucien closed the door. We surrounded a table with a detailed map of the Americas laid across it. The General took over; I could see it in his stance and posture. We were to get our marching orders now and start the hunt.

"We have a serious situation on our hands, as I am sure you are all aware of. To be sure we are all on the same page, I'll recap. Edward's Petite Bébé was an object in a deadly game of cat & mouse led by James, a leader of a nomadic coven comprised of himself, his mate Victoria and a third member named Laurent. Edwards' coven, the Cullen's, sought and destroyed James before he could kill B-," Lucien gave me a sideways glance of apology for using Her name. "Now, James' mate, Victoria, is still out and about and so far as we can assess, she has not made a move to avenge James... yet. We must eliminate this threat to Edward, his coven, and most importantly to his Petite Bébé. This is a very serious and dangerous task and one that should not be taken lightly. Victoria is grieving and we must assume that she will stop at nothing to get revenge. If you do not have the stomach to risk your lives, leave now. No hard feelings. For my part, I will enlist a dear old friend who is now in Mexico by the name of Dante. He too is a nomad, but he is also a decent tracker. He uses his analytical skills to find his target. Edward, I haven't left this house in two hundred years, but I will join you on your quest. If you'll permit me being forward, I don't think you can see clearly on this subject. Victoria likely knows your weakness and we must never let on that your Petite Bébé has been left unprotected."

I nodded in agreement. I began to understand Jasper's fervent need to keep an eye on Her. Not that I liked it.

I could see that Peter was worried and that Charlotte felt they'd done enough for the cause. I bore them no ill will for feeling this way, and in all honesty I wanted nothing more than to be away from any and all happy couples. They made me miss Her that much more. Lucien meant for us to go in the early hours of the morning. Tomorrow would be rain; no need to hide indoors. I decided I needed to hunt so that I would be stronger than I was at the moment. I have not hunted in weeks now. Time I got some strength back for this journey. Though, in truth I enjoy the burning sensation as it feels very much like when I was with Her. I keep asking myself if I will ever conquer this pain, but I don't think I want to.

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**A/N thanks for reading and please leave a review. Reviewers get a preview of Chapter 5**


	5. New theories

**Sorry for delay in posting. Hope everyone is safe from Sandy.**

**Thanks to my Beta, Kyra Renee, for the cleanup of commas. MWAH!**

**I don't own anything related to Twilight. I do own Lucien & Saaby.**

**Without furter ado:**

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October 14th:

We're on the road. I spent the last few days glutting myself on Louisiana wildlife, though I still prefer mountain lions to all of the vast choices.

I ran into the wilderness rattled by a conversation I had with Lucien about my situation and the decisions I've made. Once everyone had left his study, he shared with me his confusion and amazement at my ability to stay so long with Her as I had, and his understanding with why I left:

"I was in your situation, Edward. I told you I haven't left this house in over a hundred years. Well, my grief has kept me imprisoned by these four walls as they remind me of my first wife, Chantale. We met and married in our homeland of France in 1855. She was beautiful, sweet and innocent. She and I were an arranged marriage, but I loved her nevertheless. I was a second borne son and had to marry well to secure a position for myself. Chantale's family was well to do, and she was rapidly becoming an decrepit old spinster at the age of 25. Ha! Times have changed. My family arranged that we marry so long as I received land and title. Long story short, we both had adventuresome spirits and when opportunity came to set sail for the New World, we didn't hesitate.

We arrived here in nothing but chaos and confusion. I was awarded this plantation. I built this house for Chantale, my sweet wife. We lived peaceably for a time, both of us uncomfortable being slave owners, but knowing it would have been worse for everyone if we hadn't been. I hope we treated all kindly – I've often wondered what they must have gone through.

But, I digress.

Then the Civil war came upon us and I was made a General in the Confederate army – that's where I met Jasper: he was a Major in my Platoon. He was a good strategist, and looked young for a soldier. Now I know he was more boy than man, but at the time we needed his sang-froid.

The Republic of Louisiana was short lived, but we enjoyed privilege while we could. Chantale was uncomfortable playing the role of General's wife, but she managed. I've often felt terrible about how I left her alone to face all the hardships that come with war. Never more so then when I received her telegraph stating our only child, after many attempts, had been still-born in 1863. I was devastated not only for my child but that I couldn't leave my men to tend to my wife! I hated the war then. Jasper sensed my wariness, and offered to take over my patrols so that I could come back. Turned out to be a very fateful evening for Jasper, as he was set upon by Maria and she turned him into a Vampire. His ability to empathize and motivate were very much heightened by the transformation as we have all come to know.

I came back to my home, this house, to my heart broken wife and our dead child. Poor Chantale, she was bleeding out and I didn't know what to do. All doctors were out in the field taking care of our wounded soldiers. I found clean water in a basin and set to the task of bathing her to find the source of the blood so I could stop it. I was not quick enough. She kept asking for our baby to hold, and I let her hold him – it gave her some comfort in the end. When she passed, I bathed both their bodies. It was the last loving act I could do for them. I dressed them in fine clothing; wrapped my son in the blanket Chantale had knit for him and burned them together in a funeral pyre. There was no time to dig graves, and I feared some Northerners would desecrate them in spite. I was insane those three days, and I was begging for death to come find me. I didn't need to beg for long.

Jasper, in his sense of responsibility, came to inform me of what had happened to him. He came to me from New Mexico with these three ethereal beauties to tell me he was moving on to another war.

I thought I'd lost my mind: four people before me with crimson red eyes. Jasper was a newborn and thirsty, but he didn't want me dead. He had told Maria of my being a General and since they were fighting for hunting grounds, they both thought I could be useful. I didn't want to go on living without my beloved and so I agreed. Maria had promised me that I wouldn't remember the pain of loss, and that I would be free of hurt forevermore.

I'm not sure what your experience has been, but my grief only intensified and it became rage. The first ten years were spent defending my home in the Vampire Wars. No one stood a chance to my wrath – no one. It took another fifty years to cool my resentment at the blatant lie Maria had fed me.

I walk the halls haunted by my poor bride who died with our child in her arms. I can feel her and remember our happiness in these rooms. Very much like why you keep your hand in your right pocket – holding onto a fabric that I presume was Hers? Don't be alarmed, I only noticed because I've experienced your pain and sadness myself and I understand why you need to hold onto it.

And so, I've never ventured too far – only hunting at night, and taking a page from your book, hunting only those who do not appreciate what they have. Many a prison break where fugitives went missing ended in wonderful feasts!

I saw Jasper sporadically; he came to stay with me for a spell once he left Maria, telling me of Peter and Charlotte, and how they discovered a way to live amongst Humans. I thought he'd gone mad when he came to visit me next and spoke of meeting Alice, his own Petite Bébé, and how they were off to join Carlisle Cullen's coven and live a "vegetarian" lifestyle. I guess that's where you come into his life. I can see he likes you, and from what he told me Alice adores you. And if you permit me to be so bold, knowing him as I do, he is beside himself with worry about your Petite Bébé's well being. He wouldn't have asked me to help if this wasn't absolutely necessary. Having you here on your quest has brought back a lot of chagrin, but it also reinforced some of my thoughts and beliefs in the matter. I know I could not do what you're doing: I could not leave my Petite Bébé to keep her safe from me. I am not that strong, or selfless.

Well, after a century and decades of grief, I decided to open myself more to the world. I opened the shutters and let fresh air in. My grief lifted somewhat and I found a certain peace with what had happened so long ago. In the 1980's coloured contact lenses were developed and I was able to conceal my eyes. I found topical cream that I could apply to my skin to somewhat conceal the glitter on sunny days; I still need to remain in the shade mind you, but I don't noticeably sparkle. I let people tour my home as a historical site for many years. I began to throw lavish parties as I became more and more able to coexist with Humans. Oh, I had such fun! I found a taste for more carnal pleasures, and I indulged myself as an Incubus from time to time…

And then Sabrina walked into my life.

You are aware that I changed Saaby, yes? She was human when we met on one of the historical tours of my home, and smelled so wonderful. You smelled the vanilla, well that has always been my favourite scent. I was intoxicated by it. Still am in many ways, though it is no longer as strong. Nothing and no one I've encountered since my transformation came close to that smell. I wanted to wrap myself in it, with it, and let it surround me and drag me down. It didn't help things that she was so curious about me. Like you, I wanted to let my Petite Bébé live. Not because I believe our kind is damned, but because I feared her scent would alter and like a drug I needed it. We had never spoken a word to each other when she somehow found her way in my home. I felt her presence immediately; her smell wrapped itself around me, and held me like an embrace. I was not thirsty, but I wanted to taste her. Oh! How I wanted to taste her. I remember she turned the corner of the hallway just as I was exiting the drawing room. I managed to hold control on myself, but it was weak. I managed to ask her name and why she was in my home. She told me she wanted to see if I was as handsome up close as the stories in town had been. Well, Edward, I am a vain man. I wanted to hear more, and more, and more. I instantly decided I wanted her for eternity. I changed her that night. I held her hand those three days, hoping my cool skin would alleviate her pain. It did not. However, when Saaby had moments of lucidity, she would thank me for trying.

When it was over, she confessed she had been spying on me for months. In turn, I confessed to her that I had been following her and her scent for months. I watched as Sabrina helped her grandmother garden and took her ailing father to the doctor's office. I watched her across campus, I followed her everywhere. I was taken by her scent and then she captivated me with her contradictory ways. Feminine and fierce; strong and gentle, and magnificently gorgeous. She reminded me in many ways of my lost Chantale…

As you know, to my great pleasure the vanilla scent has stayed. It is fainter than when she was human, but it is still there.

I never worried about Sabrina's soul; I don't believe we've lost anything. How many of us would have been let in St-Peter's Gates to begin with? I was a General; I killed many, and sent many to their premature deaths. I was not going to heaven. This eternity is much better than the one I would have been given had I simply died, Edward. This is true for most of us."

He looked me in the eye when he said this, wanting to drive the point home. I had to bite back the bile in my throat. I was furious at Lucien and at myself for considering his words. How dare he imply She might not make it to heaven? As if that were possible?

"Do you not think Chantale made it to Heaven? What about your son? What makes you believe all humans are not forgiven?" I asked trying to keep my temper under control. I did not understand him or his words.

"Edward, the Ten Commandments are difficult to live by. I'll admit the big ones are easier to adhere to: murder, stealing, etc… What of adultery, coveting, honouring thy parents, never lying, never cursing, Idolatry, respecting the Sabbath and worship of the one God?

I'm not sure if Chantale made it to Heaven, or if she was banished to Purgatory for all time. Truth is, I'll never know. Our son was not baptized; the rules are clear on this one as well."

Lucien's thoughts were sympathetic and he did understand my concern. He has had much more time to mull over all the implications his theory involved.

I was angry when I left his company and his words had gotten under my skin. I found myself considering them, letting them linger in my mind. Could he be right?

I have to say it appears too easy. I can't turn my back on all that Carlisle has taught me, all that I've seen with my own eyes, and lived through. I've lived through the guilt of taking lives, no matter how deserved they were in losing it. I don't believe this life is better than the alternative of death and peace.

Into the wilderness I went to escape his words and process my thoughts.

It had started to rain again – so like Forks it felt. The difference was the warmth in the outside temperature. I ran past the city lights and into the swamp lands in less time it takes most people to lace their shoes. I found myself wanting to hurt something as badly as I was hurting. I was ripping through the swamp life without really tasting what I was feeding off of. I was feeling overly satiated before I had time to calm down.

I found myself kneeling under the weight of sadness and realized I was covered in blood, something I haven't been in decades, and panting like a wild man. I am so lost. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.

I broke down and screamed Her name, over and over until my throat was raw.

What have I done?

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	6. Non-linear

Thanks to my Beta, Kyra Renee, for cleaning this up.

I own nothing but my laptop, Lucien & Dante.

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October 20th:

I spoke with Alice yesterday, and she told me she saw Victoria in Texas. She wasn't sure when exactly she would be arriving but that it was soon, and Victoria wouldn't be staying long. Alice said she was there to meet with a dark haired woman – a vampire like us- to get some supplies. This person is a touchstone of a sort to Victoria. Alice couldn't get a clear description as it's not certain this person has agreed to meet with Victoria yet.

We've adjusted our plans accordingly. We're meeting a friend of Lucien's. He's a former Volturi guardsman named Dante and he is meeting us in Texas. He is mobilizing his friends and acquaintances to help locate the mystery woman. Lucien pointed out if we can find her, with the limited information Alice has provided, we'll find Victoria. The anticipation is palpable in all of us.

Peter and Charlotte have left our company as part of the overall strategy. Lucien said it would be best if we spread out in our search. They are to denounce me publicly as an arrogant bore in hopes of luring Victoria's allies into revealing where she may be. I only hope this tactic works. I feel so grateful to them since I am not their favourite person in the world. My arrogance has rubbed them the wrong way more than once. Once again, I'm reminded of how strong their bond with Jasper is.

The flight was quiet and I didn't wish to continue the conversation I'd had about third options with Lucien. I didn't trust myself to speak to him without being rude. His words kept playing in my mind…

I want to discuss this with Carlisle. We've always been able to discuss existential issues together rationally and I need his guidance right now. It's too easy, too tempting to give Lucien's opinion credibility and believe him when he says that given enough time, all humans commit sin to keep them out of Heaven. I can't imagine what B… She could possibly do to merit such harsh judgement.

I focus on what Alice said about this mysterious woman we are to meet. Alice said this woman would have midnight black hair, be about 5'6" and that's the only read she had on her. She said it felt as though there was a deep bond between the two – almost like this woman was Victoria's maker.

We had a layover in Houston, and I broke down and called Carlisle; I just couldn't wait any longer. I know that Alice and Jasper had informed Carlisle and Esme of my state. Carlisle couldn't keep the worry from his mind or his tone of voice, try as he might.

"Good to hear your voice," he said. His thoughts were much more honest: _he sounds awful. I've never heard him this down before. I hope this tracking experience helps him, but then what?_

"I want to talk to you about something that I can't shake," I tell him. His thoughts rang loud with his alarm. "You know I'm with some of Jasper's friends. Have you ever met Lucien?"

"Ah. He spoke to you of his third option theory," Carlisle guessed. "I've not had the pleasure of meeting him, but Alice saw that you were very upset, and Jasper guessed at what may have caused it. Certainly gave you plenty to think about, didn't he," he spoke and relaxed a little. His voice was not as tight and his words not so guarded.

I swallowed my irritation at knowing Alice was watching me. Of course she would be – no hope that my misery could be endured privately.

"Yes, he did. I don't know what to make of it all. It's not like it never occurred to me that this eternity was better than hell. What he implied was that most humans don't make it in to heaven – that She…"I choked on trying to say it but couldn't. Thankfully, Carlisle knew what I was attempting to say.

"Edward, this is Lucien's opinion of things, based on his perspective. He's not wrong and he's not right," Carlisle answered. So like him to be even-handed in his response. I wanted to shout at him to answer me. To tell me Lucien is wrong!

He heard my quiet growl, full of anguished frustration. From his thoughts, I could tell how surprised he was at my reaction – my exasperation. In all our time together, I have never shown anger toward Carlisle. Others, yes but Carlisle, no.

"What is it you want me to say? I can't unequivocally deny his point, Edward. Do you wish to discuss this, or do you want me to reassure you in your decision?"

A heavy moment of silence passed between us. All the things unsaid louder than anything ever said. Carlisle's thoughts were shouting at me: _How can this misery be right for anyone? Go back, be happy. I'll change Her for you if you fear losing control. I'll change Her now if it will help. Do you honestly _believe _She's forgotten you? Human or not, that girl adores you and I don't feel anything would change that. Esme's been so sad without you – won't you even talk to her? She dislikes having to ask Alice how and what you are doing?_

I've listened to enough of his thoughts and so I said, "I'm fine. Everything is fine. You don't need to worry about me. I'll figure this out on my own. I have to go meet with someone," as I ended the call. I didn't even give him a chance to say Goodbye. Another first: I'd never hung up on Carlisle before.

We landed in El Paso in the early evening, the sun was still bright and Lucien offered me some of his topical cream stating it will hide the sparkle.

"I usually tell people I'm an albino when they ask too many questions regarding my skin and eye colour, for you see coloured contacts aren't always the best disguises. I'm wearing contacts that should make my eyes blue, but for some reason unknown to me they turn out closer to purple," Lucien said as he handed me the cream.

I took it and began applying it to my face, and all over any exposed skin and I found my skin had some colour to it – no longer ghostly white, but merely very pale. I made note of the product and promised to send some home only to remember I no longer know where that is or if I can go back.

I haven't felt this exhausted in nearly a century; I found myself wishing I could sleep as I wanted to escape my thoughts and this ever crushing anxious pain. It takes all my strength to keep madness at bay, but I feel it gaining on me inch by inch like someone trapped in a house as the flood waters seep in.

Lucien tells me where we are to meet Dante, his tracker-friend. I follow without question, trusting him as I know from his thoughts he is genuine in his desire to help me protect Her from Victoria. He has been struggling to keep certain thoughts at bay so as not to distress me. Victoria could go to the Volturi herself and accuse me and my family of breaking the one fundamental law of Vampire Canon: never let a human know what you are. In my disheartened state, I never thought of that.

However, I don't see Victoria denouncing me. She would lose on satisfaction of destroying me herself if she went to the Volturi, and I don't think she would deny herself that particular pleasure.

We met Dante in a deserted warehouse in an industrial part of the city. There were broken windows and discoloured bricks, and several street lamps with broken lights. Everything was dirty, like a cliché movie. There was a crunching sound under our feet as we stepped over garbage, and miscellaneous drug paraphernalia, and the thoughts of all around were a numbing buzz, like a lazy bee on a hazy day.

Dante himself was altogether otherworldly. I guessed from his mannerisms and speech cadence that he was Italian and changed in the 17th century, though we didn't speak of our backgrounds. He was cautious in his approach, and I saw him smell the air.

"Why do I smell a human?" Dante asked while looking at me with burning accusation in his eyes.

"Ah, well. You see, Edward has a memento from his Petite Bébé," Lucien answered for me as I was too stunned to reply. "Let me make the introductions: Edward Cullen, this is Dante Scarpini. Dante, this is Edward. Dante was once a tracker of sorts for the Volturi before falling out of favour with Aro. Edward is looking for help in tracking Victoria-," Lucien said but was cut off.

"I can't track anything with that scent around me. It will confuse all other scents," Dante said this aggressively. He stalked off waving his arms about, and did an abrupt about face as something else occurred to him. "Maybe we can use the scent to lure this Victoria…"

Lucien stepped in front of me, blocking me from Dante as he saw my reaction – I had soundlessly moved into a crouching position. He said: "Best not entertain the idea of setting traps, Dante."

Dante, as it turns out, was unaware that I can read thoughts. He couldn't hide that he thought I was mad for keeping myself tortured like this by hanging on to Her smell. He didn't understand how anyone could have such a hold on another person. He also couldn't understand why I didn't change Her. _This kid's got problems,_ he thought.

"How do you track people?" I asked, wanting to get the conversation moving onto other things.

"Well, scent is a good place to start but it is not the only way to track. In my time with the Volturi, I tracked down criminals by understanding their habits and breaking down their psyche. People are so predictable, even if they are Vampires. We're all creatures of habit. Lucien told me your description of Victoria and why you're tracking her. I'm not sure I approve of letting a human live after our existence has been revealed to them, but I owe Lucien a favour," Dante couldn't hide his disdain for me and my situation. He'd help, but only begrudgingly. "You should've changed Her," he added.

Lucien spoke up at this point: "Where should we begin? You and I spoke about what Alice Cullen saw, and you see it as an end result." Lucien was remembering the conversation they'd had, and Dante is what is known to Humans as a "gum shoe cop". That is he likes to hit the ground and explore things himself holding little to no stock in psychics, no matter how accurate they may be. I suspect Dante and I will have some issues.

"I think we should go to the beginning. I think going back-," Dante began. I growled so loudly that he stopped mid sentence. I heard his thoughts: he wants us to go back to Forks.

"That is out of the question," I all but screamed. "I promised Her that She would never see me again, that there would be no interference from me or any of our kind," I said. The room turned a haze of red, and I could taste metal. The monster within was fighting for release.

I just gave away the one advantage I had over Dante. He now knows I can hear his thoughts. His shocked expression almost made me smile as it evened out our playing field. He now understands we can both read people with ease. From his shock came a new respect.

"Dante, I don't think Edward could handle being so close to his Petite Bébé just now," Lucien said with no small amount of sympathy. I was instantly grateful for him. He does understand. "He wants Her to stay Human so She can have a normal life. You should be able to understand that – that's why Aro expelled you, isn't it. You refused to change his wife – who was _your _obsession," Lucien is full of revelations.

To my absolute surprise, Dante softened at that. He relented: "For a former General, you do give away a lot of information. Alright, I guess I can understand. But this is so much more dangerous. Your beloved may be killed if Victoria gets to Her first. You don't know that she won't go after Her– you believe it, but don't know it," he said.

I was able to exhale a breath I didn't know I was holding. I looked around the room, a little dizzy from my reaction. "I must focus. I must focus. I must focus," I chanted to myself internally.

Lucien and Dante discussed how and where to start, and it was as though I was hearing them through a muffled drum. My phone buzzed, it was Emmett but I ignored the call. I can't deal with my family just now. Alice must have seen something that upset them. Let it. I can't deal with their kindness or concern. Lucien's voice drifts to me and I finally hear what he is saying: "Edward. I think that Dante has a good idea. Why not join your family in NY or your friends in Alaska while we do the preliminary work. Let them console you a little. Take strength from them," he finished.

I shook my head, refusing to give into his suggestion. Then a thought occurred to all three of us simultaneously: How much does Laurent know? If he is still in Alaska, and I think he is, does he know I'm no longer with Her? That did it. I'm going to Alaska to see for myself – maybe that's what the phone call was about.

"Okay. I'll go to Alaska while you and Dante search out Forks for clues and information about Victoria. Please, please, please be careful not to interfere in Her life directly," I said.

I thought tracking Victoria would be linear and said as much. Dante smiled a very knowing smile. "Nothing is ever that easy," he said to me.

They both asked for the tank top to familiarise themselves with Her scent, assuring me it will make it easier to avoid Her. I handed it over reluctantly, feeling as though I was sacrificing my lamb. I made them promise not to hunt in or around Forks. I couldn't bare the thought of one of Her friends being hurt because of me. Even Mike Newton.

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	7. Alaska

**Apologies for delay. Real life in the form of stomach flu took over as my entire family of 5 suffered. After which was Christmas craziness.**

**This chapter is un-beta'ed - all mistakes, ie comma overuse, are mine.**

**I own nothing Twilight. I only own my imagination.**

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November 1st:

I'm in an Alaskan airport, waiting to get back on track.

I flew as far as Seattle with Dante and Lucien, struggling to be in such close proximity to Her. My phone was constantly buzzing. When I saw Esme was calling, I finally answered.

"Sweetheart, I'm so happy to hear your voice! I've been worried about you," she said. She was trying very hard to keep her thoughts on this moment, but failing to as she remembered how upset Carlisle was at my last phone call.

"I'm fine, no matter what Alice sees. I'm fine. You don't need to worry," I said. I heard my voice and was surprised it no longer had any intonation or inflection. It was not very convincing.

"I'm your mother, Edward. It's impossible for me _not_ to worry," she said. She then went on to express her optimism that we will be able to find Victoria before anything bad happens, and that it is her hope that I come back to them soon. "You may not like it, but I need to see you and mother you as much as possible," she finished.

I smiled at that. "Soon, Mom," I said. That made her happy, though I know she will ask Alice to confirm. I'll just have to keep intending to go. I love knowing Alice's loopholes.

Lucien didn't leave my side until I boarded my flight. He promised he would call daily to give me an update, even if there was nothing new. He gave me a warm embrace before leaving, and wished me well. I wished him luck in return.

To be as inconspicuous as possible, I rented a car once I landed in Alaska even though I would have preferred to run. I had to remember to drive at a respectable speed…

I recalled what I looked like through the mind of Lucien, and decided I should freshen up. Arriving on Tanya's doorstep looking like this would be a dead giveaway that something was amiss. I found a roadside motel and rented a room. The attendant was frightened by my appearance. To his mind I looked like I had just killed someone since I now had dried blood stains all over me. Well, I can't say he was entirely wrong – I had hunted not too long ago.

I showered and spot cleaned my clothing with water and the room's towels. I hung them in the bathroom knowing that steam would iron them out a little. I almost regretted not taking a change of clothing with me. I combed my hair and with a glance in the mirror decided this is as groomed as I will look. On my way out, I tossed the keys to the attendant, climbed back into the rental car and drove off to seek answers.

My phone kept buzzing, and I kept ignoring it. I finally turned down Tanya's lane to see she was outside waiting for me. She ran to the car and jumped in before I could cut the engine.

"Edward, you have to tell me why I'm lying and I don't think it's wise to say it here," she said.

I complied with her request and backed out the laneway and drove off in no particular direction.

Her thoughts replayed the scene of when my family arrived almost two months ago. Jasper and Alice did all the talking, immediately stating that She and I were gone on a tour of Europe as a birthday gift to Her thus explaining my absence. Alice never let Rosalie alone with anyone and would constantly cut her off when she was speaking. Emmett looked defeated and distant, as did Carlisle and Esme. When Jasper took my call, Tanya remembers knowing something was wrong with me and that my family wasn't going to give anything up. Jasper and Alice had a brief conversation that Tanya couldn't hear, and then Jasper left. Alice spoke to Carlisle in hush tones after which he announced the family was leaving.

After this memory, Tanya looked at me with grave concern. "What are you all hiding? Did you kill Her? What is going on?"

All I could think of at the moment is that I should answer my phone more often. Maybe Alice was trying to give me a heads up. As I was thinking this, Tanya relived the phone call from Alice she had moments before I turned down the lane.

"_Tanya, Edward is lost right now. Don't let him near Irina or Laurent. I can't explain it further, just please promise me you won't let on to either of them that he is coming – alone."_

It was several minutes before I realized I hadn't said anything and that Tanya was waiting for my answers. I wasn't sure I could trust Tanya to keep quiet about Her being left behind in Forks, or if it was fair to ask her to keep secrets from her family. No choice now, though.

I pulled over to the side of the road, turned to face Tanya and told her everything. Start to finish. She patiently listened and let me get it all out. She didn't even flinch when my anger at the situation became blistering. When I was finished, I merely gripped the steering wheel and bowed my head to rest on my hands.

"You love Her, Edward," she said. "I can see that. I think it's more than that though. You need Her. I've never seen you like this. I mean, you're not even cute anymore," she said laughingly trying to lighten the mood. Tanya's mind shifted and I could see she would no longer try to seduce me. She saw it was a winless fight. With a sigh, she became my friend. My true friend.

"Ok. Here's what you are going to do; go back to El Paso and wait for your friends there. I think Laurent lusts for Irina, but I have witnessed what love looks like and it's not there – for him at least. Irina has said he is becoming more and more secretive and that he struggles with the change in diet. I don't know if he would betray us by returning to Victoria, but I don't know him well enough to say he won't. I won't tell anyone you were here – not even Kate. I'll do what I can to help you keep Her safe, I promise. I love you, Edward. I always have," she said as she kissed me on the cheek and ruffled my hair.

Her parting thoughts were lovely: "_We'll get you through this. I can promise you that."_ With that, she was gone. She decided to run back to her home alone. I was filled with gratitude for her, and despite everything I knew she was disappointed I hadn't chosen her.

Driving back to the airport, my phone rang once more. I picked it up.

"Finally," the frustrated voice on the other end growled. Alice. I wanted to care about how upset she was, but I was tapped out at the moment.

She has had a solid vision of the dark haired woman. She's definitely in El Paso and the surrounding areas, and Victoria has decided to meet her in a deserted apartment building in the outskirts. I set the address to memory, and floored it to the airport.

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	8. Tipping Point

**Apologies in delay: RL is taking over... Trust me, it was worth the wait.**

**Thanks to my Beta, Kyra Renee, for helping me massage this one.**

**Disclaimer: Graphic violence up ahead. If you "squick" out easily, skip to final paragraphs.**

**I do not own anything related to Twilight.**

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November 5th:

I'm sitting here in the airport terminal waiting for Dante and Lucien to return from their expedition so that we three can follow Alice's lead.

As I sit here, waiting, I think about my flight back from Alaska. I drove myself mad reliving my final moments with Her in the woods. My emotions were clearly visible on my face and I was upsetting the other passengers with my grimace of pain. So I decided to indulge in my other favourite past time, one that I am not proud of but satisfies my baser self.

I fantasize about catching up to Victoria and her ultimate destruction almost as much as I think of Her. I dream about seeing the flame coloured hair whizzing past me as I chase her down. I visualize seeing her in a crowd, in a meadow, across a field, in the forest…

Right now, in this particular fantasy, I imagine I'm standing on a balcony looking down on a busy street and I see her. I feel the thrilling rush push me to jump down, and can hear the snarling growl escape my lips.

Victoria senses my presence and her head whips around to see where I am. I see the look in her eyes as she recognizes me, and understands why I'm here looking at her. She gives chase, and we're off running. Vengeance gives me the strength of ten Vampires as I am seething at the thought that she might survive long enough to lay a finger on Her. I will not allow that. I feel a guttural roar begin to form in my chest as I leap down to the street. The crowd of people will appear as trees as I run around them never touching them. At most, they will only feel a slight breeze.

I am so close to her that I can hear her soft pants as she runs, though she is not able to outrun me as I am faster than most of our kind. I want to play with her and prolong the chase, making this a sort of foreplay to the final act. I keep myself three steps behind her at all times, enjoying my sinister game of giving false hope. Realizing my game, she jumps up on trees, climbs buildings, and jumps over cars all in a vain attempt to escape me. This only makes me want it more. I want her annihilation so badly I can taste the venom in my mouth become blood-like and metallic.

Thinking this might work, Victoria jumps into a body of water and starts swimming, forgetting that I too can swim like her. The speed with which we swim causes seismic-like waves creating a path of watery destruction in its wake. We swim the breadth of an Ocean and I catch up to her once more. I run sideways making myself parallel to her. To anyone watching, we may be enjoying a friendly run together. I can now hear and see her next move three steps ahead of what they will be. I let myself indulge in the advantage and disappear from her line of sight.

I'm now jumping from tree to tree looking down on her once more. She is slowing her speed as I have successfully lulled her into a fleeting sense of security. She can still sense my presence and once again is frantically searching for where I might be. I manage to soundlessly jump twenty feet behind her and listen with joy at her amateurish thoughts of fighting me off. Her talent is much more in the flight department as she is assessing every possible escape. Her mind is reminding me of a trapped mouse looking for an exit from a maze.

Crawling up behind her, I can smell the fear rolling off of her in the wind. Her breathing is so loud she does not hear my quiet stalking movements. I savour the moment; her frantic fear the only thing that has made me feel alive in months.

My teeth glisten from the venom that has now filled my mouth. My nostrils flare and fill with the scent of rosemary and mint and I feel the lust for revenge in the pit of my stomach.

Victoria. _Must_. Die.

I can see the fear in her eyes as she realizes her time has come to an end. I can almost hear her plead with me and bargain that I should let her live. "Please, please, please," she will beg. I can hear my cold laughter as I feel my hands rip first her right arm, and then her left. The sound of body tissue ripping fills my mind, and I can feel her fingers clutch the air as the nerve endings have not yet deadened. I caress her hand and rip the skin off starting at the fingertips and dangle the skin in front of her. Next I rip off her legs and taunt her with them by dancing with them and complimenting her grace and form after which I toss one in this direction and the other in that direction.

She is now merely a torso, begging me to reconsider. I read Victoria's thoughts in this moment: she would not have shown any of us mercy, and if I let her go, she will eliminate me and move on to Her. And I will not have it. I cradle her face in my hands and give her a gentle smile before I stroke her hair as I would a pet and scalp her mercilessly. I rip her ears off and ask if she can hear me when I ask "Did you think I would let you live?". She is still shrieking, I stroke her cheek calmly and reach in her mouth and rip out her tongue. I fling it over my shoulder as one would throw a dishrag while working in a kitchen. I place my thumbs over her eyes and push in until I hear a pop. There is now nothing left to do but twist and snap her head off in a single motion.

I take great pleasure in visualizing the flames that will turn to ash as I watch on satisfied in the knowledge that I've kept Her safe.

The captain's announcement that we are preparing for our landing shook me out of my daydream. I can't help but smile knowing I'm close to completing the task at hand.

The memory is wonderfully calming as I wait, and wait, and wait.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, I spot Lucien and Dante disembarking their plane. Lucien embraced me and was all smiles feeling good that we are finally making progress. They both told me all about Forks and that they could not be sure but they seemed to have encountered a wolf that was hell bent on keeping them on one side of a creek. "It looked more like a horse than a wolf. I couldn't believe the size of that thing! You don't feed off of that do you? The stench coming off of it turned me off our hunt," exclaimed Lucien. I laughed and relayed the story of the Quileutes and how we had encountered wolves in the 1920's. I also told them of our treaty with them, after which both assured me they only hunted twice and both times was in Portland, Oregon, therefore keeping our treaty intact.

"Alright," Dante said. "Lucien and I could find no trace of any other Vampires in the state of Washington. It's safe to say Victoria is nowhere near Forks. Your Alice says this person we're going to see might be Victoria's maker. True or not it would appear she's important and influential. I'm not sure you should be present, but I understand your need to be there. I will do the talking and I'll play up my Volturi past in trying to influence her in giving up Victoria's plans." We all agreed this was the best course of action.

Under the cover of night, we arrived at the address Alice gave us. We entered without knocking and found a very relaxed and otherwise engaged couple of female Vampires. Dante was not subtle about letting his presence be known. He unceremoniously lifted the one female with red hair, who was not Victoria, off the other female, who had dark hair, thus abruptly ending their tryst.

Cutting to the chase, Dante growled "Where is Victoria?!"

The red head scampered off into the night, clearly terrified of our trio. We must have been a sight, me looking like I was on a murderous rampage, Lucien with his military stance, and Dante channelling his former Volturi self.

"She left days ago. She came by for some comfort," the dark haired one cocked an eyebrow as she emphasized the word comfort. "Vicky does this when James fails to satisfy her needs. Only this time she seemed a little wilder than usual, almost as though he has not been around for some time."

I read her thoughts to ascertain if she was genuine or if she knew why we were looking for her. All I saw was a memory Emmett would describe as being hot, I merely thought it pornographic. That may explain why Victoria was here, but not why she's gone or where she may be.

Dante took on a commanding stance that clearly intimidated this woman. "Give me your name. I'd like to know who is hiding this criminal," Dante demanded.

"My n-n-name is Megan. I don't know what Vic-t-t-toria has done, but it can't be as b-b-bad as you think." She was truly intimidated by Dante. I felt quite pleased by that.

"Let us be the judges, my dear," Lucien spoke up at that point. He was turning on the charm, which I found far more chilling than Dante's method. "Who is Victoria to you? Aside from what I gather is a fondness for red heads, what does Victoria mean to you?"

At this point I checked out of the conversation and strictly listened to Megan's thoughts and memories. I could not tell you who said what and to whom, but I did garner much intelligence on Victoria.

Megan was reliving the day she met Victoria, I'd say sixty years ago based on the fashion in her memory. They were in a farmer's market and Victoria sensed the danger that Megan's presence gave and tried to run away, but she was Human and could not out run Megan. Once Victoria became out of breath, Megan bit Victoria behind an abandoned building Victoria was hiding behind Once the change was completed, she endeavored to seduce Victoria and turn her into some sort of concubine. I wish I had not seen these memories as they were vile. My Gentleman self could not stomach the memory, no matter the persons involved. Thankfully, Victoria appeared to be a willing participant. At this point in the memory, I do not know how soon after Victoria was changed, James came along looking for a coven to join. Megan's memories were filled with tryst after tryst. Some of these involved James, some didn't. I felt Megan's jealousy as it would seem Victoria preferred James. This information may be helpful.

Megan's memory did not betray the fact that James and Victoria were Mates, only that they were lovers. Her mind was a sordid cesspool that I no longer want to recall. I came back to the conversation at this point because I could only stomach so much.

"You made Victoria so you could have a playmate." Dante said this with as much disgust as I felt.

"Well, as you guessed, I have a thing for red heads. They make the best lovers, and Victoria was always eager to please. James liked to share his mate, he loved to watch."

"Past tense. You know, don't you," Lucien turned on her in that moment. Megan's thoughts became so alarmed and then her thoughts surprised me.

_"Oh shit! Which one can read thoughts? She told me one of these guys could read thoughts. I should call Laurent and ask, he'll tell me," _her thoughts told me. I gasped and coughed at this and whispered it to Dante.

With a snarl, Dante asked: "Where is she?" He roughly grabs her face and slowly softened his hands as he stroked her cheeks. This was a veiled threat but the message was made. I watched as he slipped his fingers into her mouth and began to separate her jaw. At her incessant shrieking he stopped.

"I don't know where she is, she never tells me!" Megan was now trembling and her thoughts were begging us to leave.

Lucien approached her in a non-threatening stance. "You tell Victoria we're looking for her and that we mean business. She can't hide forever."

As abruptly as we had arrived, we all turned around as one and left a very frightened Vampire behind.

Once we were out of hearing distance, Lucien asked me what she was thinking.

"Laurent knows something, but what I am not sure. Somehow Victoria has some information about my ability to read minds and I can only guess he told her about that since he's been with family friends all this time."

"Do we know where he is now? Do you think you could call Tanya and see if she knows?" Lucien suggested this as Dante seemed deep in thought. I tuned into Dante to gleam what it was he was thinking. I didn't have to because he then spoke.

"Edward, let us take over. Your family is too close to this Laurent character and I don't want any of your close friends duped into giving you away."

His thoughts were kind, and he felt he'd be putting us all in danger if I continued being open in my search for Victoria. I openly agreed, but planned to continue tracking her. The difference is now I have a real starting point. I will stay close to Megan in the hopes she gives something away.

I will ask Jasper if he knows of any good hiding places in El Paso. He should, this is where he is from.

I bid farewell to Dante and Lucien. Both men promised to keep me apprised of what they find.

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**The beginning of the downward spiral...**

**Love it? Hate it? Let me know in the form of a review.**

**Final note: Edward is first and foremost a Gentleman - Megan's sexuality does not bother him, her graphic memories do.**


	9. Meanwhile in Forks

**Apologies for the delay in this chapter. I sincerely hope you feel it's worth the wait.**

**Thanks to my Beta, Kyra Renee, who took time from finals to work on this chapter.**

**I do not own anything related to Twilight. I do own a new house and a buttload of debt.**

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I can't read any further as the reality of exactly how lost Edward is dawns on me. Frankly, it body checked me into submission. How can I not have realized he was sliding down this downward spiral so quickly?

I look around the room as I pause from reading and see that my sense of helplessness is mirrored back to me. I don't trust myself to speak for the emotions I am feeling… I may roar and I may fall apart and I'm not sure which one would win. What caught my attention was how distraught Rosalie was. I couldn't look away from her and hoped she would speak up.

"I had no idea," she whispered. She was shaking her head softly from side to side. Emmett was rubbing her back trying to comfort her but looking like he might want to smash a few things as well.

Those words were enough to set me off in a tailspin of anger. "No, you were too busy worrying about how his happiness might affect YOU! Too busy complaining that you can't behave like a Human to even try being humane to your brother's feelings. You've been too busy being negative and wallowing in what you've lost instead of seeing what you've gained. You exasperate me! If Edward makes it out of this, you'd best get over yourself and accept Bella in his life and this family. God help you if he doesn't –"

"Carlisle!" Esme cut me off mid-rant. "Stop it before you say something you'll truly regret. Rose and Edward have always had a different dynamic in their relationship. Now, please just stop. We're all hurting and worried and this pointing fingers and blaming each other won't help anything."

I looked over to Rosalie who had buried her head in Emmett's chest as she tearlessly sobbed. She turned to me with sad eyes after a moment or two, "I'm so sorry. I only wanted to stay put for a few years and I honestly thought life would be so much easier if Edward just mated with Tanya already. I had no idea he was serious about Bella. I know I didn't give her a chance, but she's Human! How else was this going to play out? I didn't want him to love her so that when she dies we wouldn't lose him. Unless she's changed that's what will happen and we all know it. I was just trying to protect us from this, and all I've managed to do is hurt you both and Alice and Jasper and to some degree Emmett. I never thought he'd be this lost. If they don't make it back, Carlisle, I don't know how I'll live with my guilt. I'm sorry."

A very pregnant silence descended on the room. The weight of all our emotions the only thing holding us in place as Emmett cleared his throat and asked for the diary. He flipped through it for a moment before speaking: "This reads like a Police Report for the better part of a month. See here:

_November 24 18:46_

_Subject has just entered her home with another red headed human female. _

_November 24 20:36_

_Subject has just fed on human female after sexual tryst._

_November 24 23:11_

_Subject is on foot. I'm maintaining a 100 foot distance but can still hear Subject thoughts. They are inane and offensive._

_November 25 00:26_

_Subject is on telephone with a Vampire I have not met named Soheila. Plans are being made to meet in Paris, Texas, next week._

It just goes on and on like this, Carlisle. For weeks and weeks." Emmett pauses as he flips through some more pages before stopping and closing the diary while keeping his place with his right index finger. "Most of December is blank. January is left blank. February is left blank and then he has only three entries in March and the last two are within hours of each other."

"What was the last entry in December? That's the last time we heard from Edward, what does he write?" I didn't think I could read this out loud which is why I asked Emmett to continue with the reading instead.

_December 12_

_I shall stop trying to follow Victoria in this manner as it is not yielding results. I made my presence known to Megan and told her to relay a message for me. I said to her: "Tell your precious Victoria that I wait for her in Rio. I am alone and will be waiting for as long as it takes. She is to come to me alone. This is between her and I and she would do well to remember that."_

_I am so grateful my cellphone battery has lost its charge weeks ago or else Alice would be jumping up and down trying to stop me. I'm surprised that little pixie isn't in my face yelling at me for the risk I'm taking. I'll charge my phone to call Carlisle and let him know I'm going to Rio. Telling them myself might buy me some time._

_I have nowhere else to go now but the tenements of Rio. Nothing else to do but wait._

"Did Alice not see this? I remember she told us he was flying to Rio and then he called to tell us himself but…" Esme asked us all. In truth Alice had seen this, but she never saw Victoria meet Edward so we decided to keep the information to ourselves. I can't believe I've been so arrogant in my beliefs about knowing how best to handle Edward and his grief. I feel so guilty I can't speak and can only shake my head as my shame washes over me.

I feel Esme's arms wrap around me as she comforts me. "What time is it in Italy? Surely Alice and Bella have landed by now," Esme asks softly.

Emmett is the first to answer her: "It's just about noon there now. Hey, isn't it Saint Marcus day over there? Isn't it on the same day as Saint Patrick's day here?"

I could only nod. I hope that the holiday means Aro is feeling generous and worry that my dramatic son may do something stupid to attract attention to him.

"Waiting is worse than not knowing," Esme said as she walked to the back window wall while hugging herself. She was no doubt worrying about Jasper's whereabouts.

I turned to Emmett and took a deep breath. I needed to know. "What does he write in March?"

"Dude. It's not pretty. Here goes:

_March 10_

_I sit here and wait. I am the bat in the belfry and I wait for night. I stare out the window and wait. So many people around make the noise from their thoughts a numbing buzz. The smells make me thirst and feel like the first moment I met Her. My Angel, my salvation, my destruction, my pleasure, my pain._

_And I'm waiting._

_Gaining my freedom from Her, or rather its illusion, was easy but I know I will not survive it._

_And I'm waiting._

_I will give in to my need for Her name. I shall repeat it like a melody. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella._

_I'm still waiting._

_Was it all a mistake? Should I go back and find sweet relief? How She must hate me! I promised her my love and I took it away. I hate me!_

_I'm waiting._

_I play all of our times together over and over like a song. Our last moment fills me with such self-revulsion I want to carve out my tongue that spoke such blasphemy._

_With my fevered mind I sit and wait for my end._

_March 15_

_I saw a girl with brown hair. I saw her only from behind. She seemed the right height and build and followed her through the teeming streets of Rio. I stayed in the shadows covered in Lucien's cream and I followed her all the while begging her not to turn around and ruin the illusion._

_I don't know how I ever thought I could do this alone. I want to go back to Forks and beg forgiveness and I want to stay gone from Her life so that she may have one. Every hour my resolve to stay away weakens. I need Her to exist or else nothing makes sense. _

_I could call Carlisle, but he'd insist on coming to get me._

_I could call Alice, but she'd know and tell everyone before I finished dialing._

_I could call Jasper, but I'm too ashamed to._

_I could call Emmett and ask him to make me laugh, but his bravado would be overwhelming._

_I could call Esme, but she'd be hurt by my wanting solitude._

_I could call Rosalie. She'll tell me I'm right to stay away._

_March 16_

_HOLY SHIT!_

_I made her PROMISE me she wouldn't do anything reckless. I made her PROMISE not to hurt herself._

_She's dead and I killed her._

_Oh Bella, my Bella. Why? Did you not see I can't exist without you? How could you believe my lies?_

_All of this pain was for NOTHING! I killed my girl._

_I know what I must do._

We are all shaken by these last entries of Edward's diary. I can hear Jasper not too far from the house choking on his feelings. Guilt perhaps? It's misplaced because it is not his fault he reacted to Bella's blood. I resumed my pleading with God, however he may manifest, to let all three of them be ok.

Hours passed in silence as all of us dealt with this new reality and the role we have played in its unfolding.

I was staring out the window facing the river and noticed a gust of wind blowing through the trees. Suddenly, Jasper ran in the house.

With a beaming smile and energy that filled us all with glee he shouted: "They're on their way home. They made it. Bella saved them all."

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**What happened to Lucien & Dante? We find out in the next Chapter.**

**Until next time (2 weeks hopefully)**


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